


Last Kiss

by marmalade (wenxuan)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Established Relationship, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Language of Flowers, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, hanahaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 11:51:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16304666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wenxuan/pseuds/marmalade
Summary: It hurt, it really fucking hurt.He couldn't stop himself from loving him.





	Last Kiss

“What’re you waiting for? C’mon!”

 

Renjun hadn’t noticed Donghyuck continuously tapping on his shoulder, for he was far too lost in thought. All he could think about was them and their relationship.

 

Not “them” meaning him and Donghyuck, but the latter and his boyfriend. 

 

How he badly envied the man lucky enough to steal Donghyuck’s heart. What did he have then Renjun didn’t? Maybe it was the childhood friend factor that made Donghyuck see him as such. Perhaps that was all he’d ever be seen as, a friend. Though he wasn’t one to outwardly complain, he’d take what he could get. Any moment with Donghyuck was one that he would cherished. 

 

If confessing how he felt would damage their relationship, he would never come clean. Donghyuck deserved more than a best friend that was hopelessly in love with him. He deserved more than a best friend that acted malicious towards his boyfriend and disguised it as being suspicious. 

 

In reality, Renjun was just jealous and he hated himself for it. He absolutely despised how he had prayed in secret that Donghyuck’s relationship would fail. It was to a point where he saw himself as disgusting. The way he behaved was nowhere near that of a best friend at all.

 

He felt the oncoming tears; they were hot and burnt his skin. What was he crying for when he was the problem?

 

Arms wrapped around him and pulled him close, Donghyuck was hugging him from behind. He didn’t deserve this at all, he was a horrible person. 

 

With tears still falling, Renjun broke out of the embrace and stormed off. This was another thing he disliked about himself, how dramatic he was and how he made the most out of the littlest things. He just wanted Donghyuck to be happy, but with himself around that was impossible. All Renjun wanted to do was sabotage those relationships, and even though he never acted upon his urges, it was still wrong.

 

“Injun? Where are you going?” was all he heard when he left the practice room. The management could scold him later for skipping out on their rehearsals, but that was the least of his worries. He didn’t want Donghyuck to see him as he currently was, a mess. 

 

The sobbing didn’t stop, he was choking on his own tears, and he was finding it hard to breathe. “All this because of a boy” is what his parents would say if they knew, but Donghyuck was more than that. Donghyuck was his world, his world that remained clueless as to how important he was. The end of the earth didn’t seem too far if it was for him, Renjun would truly sacrifice himself for Donghyuck’s happiness. And if he had to be completely out of the picture, then so be it.

 

Staying by his side would only further harm them both. For this, Renjun would be content with loving him from afar. In no way was the latter obligated to reciprocate his feelings, and Renjun knew that all too well. It was necessary that he put some space between them, he would distance himself from Donghyuck.

 

It hurt like hell.

 

He would miss the constant affection, even if it was platonic. Sometimes, he let himself pretend it was more than that, which hurt him later when he fell out of his own illusion. 

 

When Donghyuck was holding him in a post-stage vlive, he wished it was real. Sure, he used to be affectionate with all the members, but since he got a boyfriend, that off-camera affection stopped. It was sad, but Renjun would watch all their NCT DREAM videos and search for their moments. It let him blind himself from the harsh reality that Donghyuck loving him was a mere fantasy, one that would never be fulfilled.

 

Renjun wondered if after We Go Up promotions ended he could request for a personal hiatus. 

 

His actual health was diminishing the longer he held onto this unrequited love. The flowers that bloomed in his lungs were multiplying at an alarming rate, having a noticeable effect on his vocals. Luckily, none of the members noticed, telling him to get well soon when he lied saying he had caught a cold. Management, however, was becoming irritated with his coughing fits that would set back schedules. Some staff even suggested he take time off until he recovered.

 

Little did they know, that it wasn't just a mere cold he came down with. His illness was one that had developed for years. He knew that if word of his disease got out to any staff, they would push for him to get surgery. That surgery would rid him of the flowers in his chest, but also take the feelings along with them.

 

That was a deal breaker, he didn’t know what it was like not to love Donghyuck. The thought of him caused Renjun to dry heave, his chest was spasming as he gasped for air.

 

It was never this bad. 

 

There was a deafening thud on the door, it had to be Donghyuck. Now, he was panicking and scrambling to swallow as much water as possible, trying to force the petals back down. His throat felt like sandpaper, nothing helping to ease the pain. The tears came back, he really did deserve this. Maybe if he just disappeared then everything would be fine. He would never be found out and they wouldn’t force Donghyuck to love him back as a means to reverse the effects.

 

The room door opened with a crash, slamming against the wall. Why was Jaemin the one to bust down his door? Out of all the people to see him like this, it had to be the boyfriend he couldn’t bring himself to hate.

 

His cries sounded borderline hysterical, his face reddened by the heat of his tears. Everything about this situation, he hated it. He didn’t even both to stop the countless petals that spilled from his lips, all tinted dark red. Renjun looked at his hands through his tears, they were covered in red. It was overwhelming, the crying, the coughing, and he couldn’t handle it. 

 

Everything was red before turning pitch black.

 

A few minutes later, he opened his eyes and saw that he was lying in his bed. His surroundings were blurry and his whole body felt hazy, maybe he was gone for good. He blinked again, Donghyuck was holding his hand and sitting beside his bed. It was too good to be true.

 

“You don’t know how much I love you.”

 

It was his imagination fooling him, he supposed. So, why not take advantage of it? He pulled Donghyuck closer and pressed a chaste kiss on his lips, they tasted so sweet.

 

Within a second, he was pushed away.

 

Donghyuck was giving him a look of bewilderment. Without giving Renjun a chance to explain himself, he rushed out of the room, leaving the door open.

 

Renjun was left alone.

 

His lungs felt as if they were collapsing in on themselves. It had never hurt this much, but the rejection was crystal clear. He really wished it had been a dream and that he didn’t just fuck up.

 

The duvet was no longer visible, only the purple hyacinth petals that covered them.

**Author's Note:**

> this has no proof-reading so yeet  
> idk why I did this, renhyuck is my ult ship so I'm just hurting myself, too...
> 
> if u want to cry about renhyuck with me my twitter is @/honeydaze


End file.
